So I know it's been a long time since my last guide and I stated that I was going to have an Alien Syndrome guide out soon. But look, it doesn't matter right now, there's more pressing matters. Despite the internet's obsession with making every single video game trivially easy for the sake of sheer laziness of people that can't be bothered to figure out how to play the game properly themselves, over all these years no one has created a strategy guide for Snakes & Ladders. This is blatantly inexcusable and I will not stand for this atrocity against the gaming walkthrough community. This is a guide that has literally been 1800 years in the making and you're telling me that no one learnt the definitive winning strategy for Snakes & Ladders this entire time? Well no more! If you can't find the content you so desire then make it yourself. I bless upon this world the first ever (confirmed first ever by not finding anything else on the first two pages of a google search for "Snakes & Ladders strategy guide") comprehensive Snakes & Ladders walkthrough, hereby awarding me title of greatest hardcore gamer in the history of mankind, mastering this most devious of games in the 22 years I've since spent on this earth that no one else could with 1800 years to do so.
Mastery of Snakes & Ladders requires some elaborate RNG manipulation. Movement is entirely defined by RNG, there is no moving off of the linear path the game map has laid in front of you and every time you roll the die you're required to move along that linear path for the same amount of tiles as the number you just rolled. It's also worth noting that there is no consistent layout to the game map and every board you find will have the snakes and the ladders arranged in different positions, in which sense it could be considered a precursor to the genre-defying classic Rogue developed in 1980 by A.I. Design.
It is also worth noting that Snakes & Ladders rarely comes with pre-set game pieces to play as, you might not even own the game and you just pirated a jpeg of the board off of Google Images, and often even if you own the game legally and it does come with game pieces you still will probably have to provide your own because Billy snorted all of them up his nose and the surgery to extract them from his nostrils isn't happening until 3 months later as the local hospital is already entirely booked up on Snakes & Ladders related injuries. This allows you to take advantage of the in-depth character customization options available to you, and as is often the case with similar classic RPGs with a focus on character builds the most fun part of this is making a completely broken character that snaps the game in half. Consider substituting your game piece with a live chicken, well known for their high defense stat against snake-based enemies in order to better balance the egg's weakness against snakes but power over chicken, creating a fair rock paper scissors dynamic, a game which we will be covering next week in a future guide. The added benefit of live game pieces is that they are not personally bound to restrictive RNG-based linear movement systems by virtue of chickens not knowing what RNG is, but be wary that this does not in any way enhance your level of control over your game piece. Should your chicken instead choose to leave the game board entirely it will be classified as a TKO should it not return within 10 seconds, thus forfeiting the match immediately. This can be worked around via hypnosis should you choose to incorporate this into your strategy, most effectively implemented by placing chicken feed on the final tile.
Should you not have access to barnyard animals and are required to play with inanimate pieces there is still the option of RNG manipulation. This is done rather crudely by exploiting a bug known as "weighted dice". Before attempting this method please be aware that weighing dice is a federal crime and should you get caught you will be going to jail, so stay safe and play carefully. This is more akin to the kind of glitches achieved through cartridge tilting as opposed to those created by exploiting the game's code itself. The idea is to way down a side of the die through some external method so that gravity will cause the die to naturally fall on the same number in the same position every time. Some of the methods of weighing down include drilling into the die to insert something to weigh it down such as a nail or dark matter, but as far as I am aware this technique has not been accomplished without someone accidentally drilling a hole through the palm of their hand and waiting in the hospital for three months and one day right after Billy finally gets the game pieces extracted. Perhaps safer and more effective is the method involving melting dice. The idea is to slightly change the shape of the die through exposure to heat allowing it to soften and melt more weight down to the desired side of the die. To start, first off put the die in the microwave. Next, turn the heat to the highest setting available and set the time to 60 minutes. This next step is crucial so don't skip this part. Take your game piece, leave the house and call the fire brigade. You should now find your house engulfed in flames, sparks and toxic melted plastic fumes. This is where the true genius of the strategy comes into play, see by removing the game piece from the board your piece is safe from the flames, but be aware that should 10 seconds pass you will still lose the match via TKO. Ideally you will have covered the game board and opposing piece in gasoline before leaving, ensuring that the game and your opponent's piece melt before those ten seconds are up, thus declaring yourself the victor by default.
If you have achieved the impossible and actually created a weighted dice without killing yourself or burning your house down, there are several approaches you can take. You may think that weighing a die so it always lands on a six would be the best strategy, but there's a few problems with this. First off, chances are you and your opponent will be using the same die, so they will reap the same benefits as you. Not only that, but sore losers have since invented a super secret extra rule that mandates that in order to land on the final space and win the game you must roll the exact amount of spaces left from your current position to the end, and if you overshoot it you stay in your current position and must roll again. By creating a die that always rolls a six you have thus softlocked the game, making it unwinnable for all involved. My preferred strategy is instead to make a die that always lands on one. Through this method you have ensured that the game is so slow and boring that you're opponent will either give up or their mum will come to pick them up before they get a chance to win, thus granting you the win. Should the impossible occur and your opponent makes it to the second last space on the board, secretly replace the die with another die weighed to always land on two so they repeatedly overshoot the finish by one space. Demoralized already by the fatigue of your 17 hour long game of Snakes & Ladders prior, this will be the final straw that breaks the camel's back and causes them to throw in the towel. As you master strategists have no doubt already deduced, this strategy requires both participants playing a chicken-type character as otherwise you will again softlock the game by not being able to roll high enough to bypass the first snake, making the chicken's snake resistance vital. Also, if you are concerned that the ladders may speed the game up and make the pace halfway bearable, be aware that chickens are also incapable of climbing ladders, thus assuring the maximum amount of tedium required. This is known as the "Monopoly Strategy", as it simulates the typical Monopoly playsession where there's no actual win or lose states and you just keep going on and hating each other until you get bored and just move on with your life.
If you followed all of these steps your victory should be guaranteed from the very start, but should the impossible happen and your opponent successfully makes it to the final space, don't throw in the towel yet. You may be familiar of the Snakes & Ladders equivalent of the "Kirbycide" maneuver from Super Smash Bros, the desperation attack known as the "table flip". This infamous maneuver is effective at taking down the opposing force, but has the disadvantage of typically resulting in the failure of the player executing the power move itself, resulting in a draw. As you know however, we're not here to "not lose", we're here to win. A commonly implemented strategy you likely have already heard of is to place an identical game board under the table with a high strength magnet under the final space. This obviously requires playing a magnet-type character and sacrificing the strategic benefits of the chicken class, however there is the possibility of feeding your chicken a magnet in order to combine both, ideally hoping that the chicken does not choke to death least you want to hear an onslaught of immature jokes from your opponent. As you have no doubt gathered the magnet strategy is less than elegant and requires an awful amount of set-up and placing frustration restrictions upon your personal character building and play style. More elegantly, flip the table with enough force that it slams your opponent in the head and knocks them out cold. While unconscious there is nothing to stop you from putting the table back, putting the game board back in place and swapping your game piece's position around with that of your opponent. When your opponent comes to they will be in awe of your game-saving seemingly magic power move, and while they are stunned in awe take this opportunity to pull the ace of spades out from behind their ear, thus giving you the card required to win the game of blackjack you were playing at the same time. Should you follow all these steps you have earned yourself the right of being recognized as the second greatest competitive Snakes & Ladders professional gamer worldwide, second only to me by rules of this being my own unique strategy and I called dibs.
this is the worst thread ever made and i am deeply ashamed of this atrocity that i accept full responsibility for